Are "Real Men" Unemotional?

I was born in 1970, toward the beginning of the so-called "Generation X," so I was able to see a transition between the traditional and newer ways.  Some traditions are very good, and should be maintained or recovered.  Other traditions were not so good, and they needed to go.  Some still need to go.

One tradition I would like to address quickly has to do with what it takes to be "manly."  Once again, on the hinge between the "old" and the "new," I've been witness to different paradigms of "manly" conduct.  In previous generations, it seemed that the manly template was a fellow who was emotionally quite buttoned-down.  To be manly, you weren't allowed to be mushy, to cry, or to be vulnerable.  You had to be the impassive, detached rock from whom everyone else would supposedly draw strength.  As the hinge began to turn, however, the idea of the emotionally-aloof man came under fire.  The traditional "manly" template seems to be passing away.  Should it?  Or, are we younger men becoming spineless wimps?  What most interests me, however, is not how Americans conceive of the "real man."  I want to know how the Bible defines manly behavior.

What about this premise: "real men are unemotional and must show no vulnerabilities?"  It is a false premise, and unbiblical to boot.  It was a commonly-held premise in men from about the baby boom generation and previous, but it has since been largely discarded, thank goodness.  It did more harm than good.  I still believe that our wives and kids should be able to look to us for strength and assurance--but believe me, they don't draw an ounce of security from a husband or Dad who cannot express love or let them know that it is safe and healthy to have deep emotions.  In fact, detached husbands and Dads often unknowingly cause deep insecurities that will plague family members for years.  Remember, the only way we men can lead is by example.

Now for the Biblical part.  Biblically, man is assigned spiritual headship over the family unit, but "headship" is not the same thing as "boss."  God makes us men to be stewards of our wives and children, with the task of helping them to grow as close in relationship to Christ as possible, and guiding them to discover the fullest flowering of the gifts and destinies that God has placed on their lives.  This is the meaning of the teaching of Ephesians 5:21-33, if you would like to read that passage.  I recommend it.

Now, God has created all of us, male and female, to be very much emotional beings.  God Himself is emotional (Jesus is the perfect representation of the Father, and it is obvious that Jesus has very deep emotions).  Though our spiritual lives transcend emotions, emotions are nonetheless tightly woven into our spiritual lives.  Thus, in order to be healthy spiritually, it is absolutely necessary to be emotionally healthy as well.

Let us return to the Biblically-defined role of the husband as the spiritual steward of his family.  If we men want to guide our families to discover maximum spiritual health, we must therefore guide them to emotional health as a key component of that goal.  If we set a tone of emotional distance and un-approachability,  our children (and particularly our sons) will not get the nurture they need to be both emotionally and spiritually mature.  Our wives, in particular, need strong emotional bonding in their relationships, especially with their husbands.  If we stand aloof emotionally, their hearts will not receive the emotional nurture they need to become everything they can be, spiritually, for the Lord.

Even though men are LESS reliant on emotion than our wives, we nonetheless still require vigorous emotional health to guide our families to emotional and spiritual health as well.  We cannot share what we do not have.  For men to be emotionally healthy, we too must allow ourselves to feel deeply and be vulnerable enough to let our wives, children, and male friends, strengthen us both emotionally and spiritually.  We cannot be helped unless we let ourselves be vulnerable.  So, emotionality and vulnerability are essential for our health, and for our ability to fulfill our God-given task of the spiritual stewardship of our families.

Therefore, Biblically, real and God-serving men must be both emotional and vulnerable in order to be successful in fulfilling our purpose.

Fight, or "Duck?"

There has been quite a lot of controversy going on this holiday season, a time when we're all supposed to be completely wrapped up with Christmas preparations and festivities.  The controversy to which I refer is the firestorm surrounding the "indefinite suspension" of Phil Robertson, patriarch of the starring family on A&E's "Duck Dynasty," the #1 highest-grossing television show in cable TV history.   It seems they mistook the reason why the show was so popular.  Perhaps these Hollywood types thought they were making money by poking fun at just how "redneck" this family is.  Even as they chuckled into their elitist sleeves while taking millions to the bank, I suspect they believed their success was due to America's laughing at the Robertsons right along with them and feeling oh-so-superior.  Sure, we Americans in "fly-over country" were laughing, but not for that reason, and that's not why we made the show so phenomenally popular.  

Millions love this family because they represent intrigrity, ethics, common sense, family values, and, most of all--faith.  All things that used to be in plentiful supply in our nation, but unfortunately they are at a premium nowadays.  A&E obviously didn't comprehend why we love this family, because when our buddy Phil simply voiced his deeply-held beliefs without apology, they canned him for it.  By seeking to publicly humiliate this man for his faith, the network seems unaware of the fact that they also insulted millions of freedom-loving Americans who happen to own some of the same values.  The backlash from Americans has shocked the network.

The internet has been literally flooded with reactions to these developments, both pro and con.  I think some of his words were ill-advised and frankly, crude, but I support his stand upon the Scripture and his freedom to speak forth his beliefs in any forum.  What can I add to the conversation? Honestly, so much has been said about outrage and calls-to-action that there is little I can say to add to it.  However, I would like to remind Christians of some things that I believe are necessary if we are to respond to all this in a way that lifts up Jesus.

The first thing I would like to suggest is that we really need to adjust our expectations.  What I'm about to say will be the hardest to accept for those of us who have grown up in an America where the Church has enjoyed a position of strong cultural influence and completely unfettered religious liberty.  I still remember those days, myself, and I miss them just as much as you.  But--need I say it?--that America is no more.  I know that the Bill of Rights provides freedom of speech and religion.  Those rights are absolutely precious, and we should speak up for them.  However, I must ask you to take a wider view of history, and ask yourself this question: for how much of the Church's history have Christians been free to speak and act our faith as we saw fit?  The answer: very little, and in very few places.  For most of our history, Christians have had to spread the Gospel under direct threat of persecution, arrest, torture and death.  Ungodly people really do not like being told there is a God to whom we will give an account.  When they are in power, they invariably pass laws to prevent Christians from telling them that.  America, once widely a "Christian nation," isn't anymore.  And to be realistic, the likelihood is that the rights we once had will be taken away. As should be clear to everyone, they already are. Religious liberty is the extreme exception, not the rule, of history.  Should we roll over and just accept this silently?  Of course not.  However, we need to have reasonable expectations if this battle is to be undertaken effectively.  And what should those expectations be?

As much as it may surprise us that there a great many who want to silence and marginalize us for our faith, it really shouldn't surprise us at all.  This leads me to my next point: God's Word promises us that we will be hated by those hostile to God.  The New Testament says this in many different ways.  1 John 3:13 cautions us, "Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you." (ESV) John had just related the story of Cain and Abel, asking why the one killed the other.  The answer was that while Abel's deeds were righteous, Cain's were evil.  The simple fact of Abel's display of a righteous life was sufficient to drive Cain to kill. Today, as well, the mere existence of people trying to live a God-honoring life is a witness to those who do not.  Even if we were to say little or nothing, the very lives we lead are a testimony against them.  It should be no shock to us, then, when some folks go out of their way to remove us from the picture.  

The other reason we should expect hatred is that the Lord we serve was hated for His life and teaching.  He proclaimed God's love and grace, did incredible healing miracles, and showed unprecedented kindness to sinners that were untouchable by polite society.  Nonetheless, even in His works of grace He exhorted people to "Go and sin no more."  He was the ultimate paragon of love, and yet He pointed toward our responsibility to repent in preparation for the coming Kingdom.  They crucified Him for it.  The only way anyone can credibly call himself a Christian is to emulate the life of Christ with God's help.  Jesus reminds us, furthermore, that such emulation will lead to the same responses He experienced Himself.  In Matthew 10:24-25, Jesus reminds the disciples that true disciples will be like their teacher, and servants like their master.  Even as the holy Son of God was called the devil, they will speak yet more abusively to His followers.  Again, we really shouldn't be so shocked.  You may say, "Yes--but this is America!"  Yes it is, and yes, we should speak up in favor of our rights.  However, I remind you that true religious liberty has rarely happened or endured throughout history, and we need to realize that unless The Lord returns very soon or sweeps the country with revival (and He absolutely can do that), we might be on borrowed time here. Again, we should not let this simply go unchallenged, but having the right expectations will inform the manner in which we hold forth for our rights and for the Gospel.

If we are to engage the culture on the issue of religious freedom, it is essential that we do so with the correct demeanor.  Remember my first point: that we must adjust our expectations.  It is time to face the truth that Evangelical Christianity is not "on top" anymore.  We must therefore not act as if we were.  The New Testament Church turned the world on its ear, but it was on the margins of a pagan society.  Today, we are not quite that far on the outer edges, but we're headed that direction in a hurry.  If we are searching for a way we can work for the transformation of our culture, we had better look to the New Testament Church for our example, instead of the American church of yesteryear.  The early Christians could not dictate laws or morals from a position of strength, as if everyone would hop to it with a snap of the fingers.  They had to present their case gently, respectfully, and in a winsome way.  To be sure, they were unmoving in their convictions, but their game plan was not to dominate.  It was to inspire.  We must emulate their example.  I have never been a fan of angry marches, raised fists, and shouted slogans.  Worldly people love to use those in their causes, but I don't feel that they do very well in conveying the character of Jesus to those whose attention we are trying to gain.  The Gospel means "good news," and it should be communicated with love, with a smile, and resolutely maintained in a winsome manner even if we are shouted down or even one day incarcerated for proclaiming it.

I am all for engaging issues that are important to us, but I believe we should engage them as Jesus would have done.  He never gave the "what" without also giving the "why."  He didn't just shout that the worldly order was wrong; He contrasted it with the ethics of the Kingdom of God to show how things should be.  He didn't just call the Pharisees and teachers of the law hypocrites; He demonstrated how they'd drifted from the values of God's reign.  At every point when people would listen, Jesus explained things.  If we have any hope of preserving our freedoms, we also must explain why those freedoms should be treasured by all of America.  We should explain what they will lose if they abandon them.  We should talk to people about the Gospel, but we need to explain our reasons for believing in it.  All the while, this must be done in a calm, reasoned, and loving fashion.  No slogans, and no name-calling: just love and and a well-reasoned message.  We mustn't cave into the temptation to be negative or reactionary, but stay loving even as we calmly refuse to back down or be silent.  

The real trick will be whether or not we persevere in our faith at the point when, and if, systemic hostility begins to come our way in America, and whether we can show forgiveness and love toward those who may persecute us.  Remember that Jesus maintained genuine love for all even when they "took" His religious freedom away from Him.  He strictly enjoined us to love and forgive as well in such circumstances.   We are to return love for hated, and blessing for cursing.  We are in a war, yes -- a war for freedom, but more importantly it is a war for men's souls.  We must not mistake the world's method of war for our own, however.  The world's methods entail anger, hatred, shouting, force and violence.  Our methods must be love, gentleness, peace, humility, reason, compassion, acts of service, perseverance, and even sacrifice.  As Paul reminded us in 2 Corinthians 10:3-4, "though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds."  Yes, friends, the war is on...but let's see to it that we are fighting the right sort of war.